End of the Beginning
by FyNghariad
Summary: My take on what happened Post Cyberwoman. Ianto has to deal with more than the loss of his girlfriend, so how does he cope? And how do the others cope?
1. Chapter 1

Ianto wasn't exactly sure how he had gotten home, how he had ended up on the floor of his kitchen, how he had managed to drink himself to sleep, nor was he sure of how long that all took. All Ianto Jones knew was that Lisa Hallet, the woman he was so deeply in love with, was dead.

When he woke Ianto was curled against the door of his fridge, his legs stretched out haphazardly in front of him while one of his hands was curled around a thigh, the other lay next to him, an empty Jim Bean bottle in it's loose grasp. He winced as he exhaled, the smell of his breath assaulting his senses and making him feel rather ill. Very slowly, Ianto opened his eyes and blinked a couple of times, moving his hands so they were flat on the floor, allowing him to push himself into a more comfortable position. He let out another deep breath, ensuring that he blew downwards as not to aggravate his hangover further. His head was spinning and it was taking a while for him to get his focus, when he did, and the radioactive green of his cooker clock came into view, Ianto was confused as to how long he had been sitting there. He had no recollection of the past 24 hours. The last thing he remembered was falling to his knees between the bodies of the woman he loved and the woman he unwittingly murdered. He let his head fall forward as he heaved, the memory coming with pretty vivid images of the basement where he had hidden Lisa. He bit his bottom lip and took few deep breaths; while he was hungover and had limited brain function, Ianto was not about to throw up on his kitchen floor.

In through the nose, out through the mouth. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

When he finally felt like he wasn't immediately going to let the alcohol in his stomach out through his mouth and onto the floor, Ianto pushed himself onto his knees, a hand going behind him to steady himself against the fridge door, before he bounced on his calves and stood up. He quickly regretted the move and had to take some more deep breaths, all the time clinging to a flat surface to keep himself up right. He finally staggered from the kitchen when he felt steady and navigated his way around a couple more empty bottles, leaning against the door frame, again, to catch his balance. He pushed off and walked around the sparse furniture in his living room and to his bedroom and en-suite. The walking wasn't exactly brilliant when his brain was currently swimming in pain and while his liver felt like it was being pickled in a concoction of vodka, whiskey, wine and beer, but he needed to shower and throw up. Although, not in that order. Or at the same time.

Weakly pushing the door of his bedroom open, Ianto steadied himself against the wooden frame, taking another couple of breaths. In, out. In, out. In, out. He was increasingly worried at the way that he started to get extremely light headed, and the way his body started not to listen to the few brain cells still active (he hadn't been this hungover since he was a teenager), but nonetheless he managed to get to the bathroom quick enough to empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet, the more rational side of his mind was joyful that the lid was still up from the last time he had taken a piss.

He sat there for a while, contemplating moving towards the shower cubicle and bath, but unable to muster up the effort. After a while his arse started to really ache from the cold, hard floor, so he flushed the toilet and crawled over to the bath tub. Resting his forehead against the cool plastic of the tub, Ianto began to undress, pulling of the soiled suit and throwing it into the bath. The material was stiff with blood and vomit, and smelt of a mix of the two with a dangerously alcoholic punch. When he finally managed to work his fingers well enough to remove his shirt, he was surprised to see the state of his skin. He let his head loll forwards as he brushed his fingers lightly against the large bruise on his left shoulder and up his neck.

_"Isn't that what love is?" Lisa asked, her eyes fixed on Ianto. _

_Ianto held back a sob and shook his head, "no." _

"_Then we are not compatible." she said coldly, her hand going for Ianto's neck, pulling him to her, before she flung him across the hub like a banana skin. _

Forcing himself out of the memory, Ianto let out a choked sob, tears threatening to fall from his red eyes. Wiping a hand over his face he pulled himself up and stripped the rest of his ruined suit, walking the sink and opening the cupboard underneath, pulling out a bottle of bleach before he poured it's contents into the bath. The suit was already ruined so there was no need to try and save it, but he **had** to get rid of the smell. He stumbled to the shower once he had thrown the empty bottle in the bath, pushing open the door, turning the shower on scalding, before he sank to the floor, burying his head against his knees.

No, Ianto had no idea how he managed to get where he currently was, and he had no idea what was going to happen to him next.


	2. Chapter 2

Ianto had managed to drag his sorry arse out of the shower, before it froze him, and clean his teeth (which actually made him feel even more ill), when there was a heavy knock at the door of his flat. He knew exactly who it was, Jack, and he had no intention of inviting the man into his home, whether the word fitted where he was living or not.

"Ianto!" Jack's voice ordered, the tone carrying through the quiet rooms of the small city flat.  
"So help me, Ianto, I'll break down the door. Let Me In." he bellowed again after nothing happened.

Ianto couldn't care less, he lay there, spread-eagled on his bed, and he couldn't care less if his door was about to be ripped off it's hinges, or that the man he hated was about to see him in all his naked shame. He didn't care that he currently felt like he really, really ill and that his head hurt him so much it made him want to curl up and cry or sleep or something. He just couldn't give a damn about anything.

It happened quite quickly; not two minutes after Jack's last less than polite request to open the door, a crash was heard across the flat. Obviously Jack had decided some of his showing heroics were in order, and he kicked the door open. Or perhaps he ran at the obstacle with his shoulder, who knew?

"I hope you're aware that my land lady is about to call the police," Ianto said as he felt Jack storm into his room, his arm lying over his eyes therefore meaning that he couldn't see the grand entrance. "She doesn't take kindly to criminal damage."

"Well, **I** don't take too kindly to my employee bringing a threat to the entire planet into my base." Jack's cold reply came as he stood at the door, his arms crossed over his chest and a frown on his face.

"Touché, Captain." Ianto snorted, still not moving and avoiding thinking too much.

After a couple of minutes Jack spoke again, "Owen will be surprised that you're still alive, he had ten quid saying you'd have topped yourself."

Ianto snorted again and moved his arm from over his face. "It may surprise you to know, sir, but I'm not looking for the coward's way out. I think I've proved that I'm not a coward. After all, I did go back into the wreckages of Canary Wharf, I did pull Lisa off of a conversion table and I was even able to hook her back onto it when I set one up and when I moved her into your base, under your noses might I add. It takes a pretty strong person to do that, I'm sure you'll agree?" his words were almost dripping in venom.

"You're smart, I give you that. You conned me. A simple, plain and ordinary Welsh boy managed to con **me. **It's quite an achievement on your part, and salute you for that," Jack nodded his head in Ianto's direction. "But would a strong person really drink themselves to sleep? I've seen you're kitchen Ianto, it's not a pretty sight. I'm surprised you're not in an alcohol induced coma if you drank all that."

"I'm full of surprises, sir. Now, if you'd like to get on with it." Ianto stood and folded his arms over his chest. "I think the bathroom would be the best place to do it. Less to clean up you see. And it's better for Mrs Sheppard, too. Easier to sell the flat on after I've been executed for treason. You're lucky she is shopping actually, she keeps a shotgun by her door." Ianto snarled, walking towards the en-suite.

Jack pulled Ianto by the wrist back to him, "if I'm going to kill you, I'll kill you wherever I bloody well like, got it?"

"Yes," Ianto muttered, pulling his arm from Jack's vice grip. "_**Sir**_**.**"

Jack let Ianto go and watched him cautiously. Ianto made no attempt to move back to the bed or into the bathroom, he simply stood there and waited for whatever Jack had planned. The silence in the room was deafening as Jack watched Ianto. While he knew it was the most inappropriate time, Jack allowed his eyes to wander over Ianto's body. In all the time that Ianto had worked for him and allowed Jack to fuck him on occasion, Jack had never seen him completely naked before (when they had fucked, Ianto ensured that the only skin Jack ever saw was from his waist to his knees, an arrangement Jack never questioned). Jack was only a 51st century guy, so he was bound to leer when a really, really sexy man was naked in front of him, but he did acknowledge (to himself) that it was a shame that he saw the whole of Ianto in such bad circumstances.

"I'm not going to kill you." he said simply.

"Retcon then?"

"No, no retcon either. I know that the worst punishment anyone can inflict on you would be to allow you to remember what you did. To live with the knowledge that your actions cost two innocent people their lives. Plus, the Canary Wharf battle claimed enough lives, wiping your memory would cost another one and I'm not willing to add to the list. You, Ianto Jones, are going to live with what you did."

"What I did? I tried to save the woman I **loved**, how is that wrong?" Ianto asked harshly.

"Ianto, you're not the first person to do something stupid for love, and you won't be the last. You may think you tried to save Lisa but she was already lost, Ianto."

"You can't know that, Jack, you can't!"

"I'm sorry, Ianto, I really am. There was no way that the process could have been reversed, and that was made worse by the way that she was kept alive like that." As much as Jack hated to prove that yes, he was in fact a monster, he had to tell Ianto this. "The cyber technology affected her brain, badly. The process of conversion starts with the brain, even in a rushed and sloppy process. The first thing that cyber technology does is to imprint the orders for their survival onto it: delete, convert, multiply. Granted, the process started on Lisa wasn't complete, that gave you hope. I can sympathise Ianto, I really can, but the hope was false. The fact that Lisa was kept alive in a cyber machine meant that the technology flourished, and the lack of an emotional inhibitor meant that the thing in Lisa was smart enough to fool you. Lisa was too weak to fight it right from the beginning-"

"You didn't know**anything** about Lisa, so don't you throw around things like that. She fought it. I fought it. We were going to cure her, **together**, and then you happened. Do you know how it feels to love someone that much, that you're willing to sacrifice the whole planet just to save them? Do you, Jack?" Ianto's voice was a mere whisper by the end, there was hope in his words, hope that Jack understood.

"Yes. The difference is I let them go. That's how you and I are different, Ianto. I had the courage to let them go. 'Cause," Jack pulled himself to his full height and looked down on Ianto, speaking words that were empty with their sincerity; Jack didn't have any another choice but to watch them go, and he certainly didn't have to courage to do that. "No matter what I felt, or how you and Lisa felt, two people are never worth more than 6 billion. You didn't understand that, you valued Lisa's life above the life of the planet, that's so very human. Something so... so extraordinary. But it's irrational. Wrong. What you did was wrong."

"Being in love is **never **wrong! That's all I did. I was in love. I tried to save the only woman that I've ever loved, and you say it's wrong?"

"Yes, because that love you shared had the potential to kill so many people."

"Then you are a monster. And I pity you."

Jack growled and pushed him against the wall, his well controlled anger now over flowing inside him like water from a full glass, "I don't need or want your pity, Ianto Jones. And if I'm a monster, what are you? You conned your way into Torchwood, you lied to your workmates, you let me **fuck **you while Lisa was in that basement, you kept her alive because you were selfish. So, what are you? Come on Ianto, you seem to have an answer for everything. If **I'm** the big bad wolf, what does that make **you**?"

Ianto tensed in his grip, hands pulling at Jack's and his body thrashing against him. He grunted in pain as Jack's grip tightened and he pushed him back against the wall, hard. Ianto's vision blurred for a second from the impact.

"What does it make you?!" Jack shouted, spit flying from his mouth unnoticed.

Ianto's reply was nothing more than a whisper, "you said it yourself, I'm human. I make mistakes. Obviously trusting that you could help me was one of them. I'm human Jack, and I'm so very flawed."

With a final push against the wall, Jack let Ianto go and stalked to the door. "4 weeks suspension. I'll be checking up on you everyday. You need to tell me where you are, what you've done and who you've been with."

"Do I need permission to eat? Drink? Sleep? Take a shit? Piss?" Ianto asked, his hand caressing where Jack had pushed him hard, he'd have bruises by morning.

"Enough with the games, Ianto. Grow up." Jack ordered before he left the room and Ianto's flat.


	3. Chapter 3

After Jack had left Ianto pulled on a pair of grey flannel bottoms and set about cleaning up his flat. He started with the front door that Jack had ploughed through: he righted the wood and pushed it back straight, managing to manipulate it enough for it to sit steady against the frame. He'd be telling Jack that he needed to replace that because he sure as hell wasn't. He then moved onto the bottles in the kitchen; cleaning them out before putting them in his recycling bin. His head still ached something awful and his body refused to cooperate from being manhandled, so he moved from the kitchen back to his bedroom, flopping down on the bed and staring at the ceiling, thinking about the living nightmare he had to experience.

Ianto could remember everything so vividly. Right down to the smells of the metal in the blood that filled the room which harboured his secret. He moved so he was resting on his elbows, gagging at the way his memory assaulted him with the smells of the room; the iron of the blood and the metal so strong he could almost taste it. He pulled himself up and rested his back against the headboard, his knees pulled against his chest as he closed his eyes tightly, wishing the images would just _stop_. After a while Ianto sighed and rubbed his hand down his face, he could remember the look of shock on all their faces. Shock that the quiet, proper, Welsh teaboy had infiltrated their base. He laughed a sigh, when would someone suspect the person they least expect? Feeling tired, weak, ill and useless, Ianto curled up into a ball, holding himself tight, and closed his eyes. He last thought was a plea for a dreamless sleep, _oh god, please. _

---

Ianto woke when a car back fired in the street outside. His eyes opened instantly, his mind throwing him back to the basement of the hub and Lisa. Although he had pleaded for a dreamless sleep, his eyes had moved quickly beneath the lids, images of a half converted Lisa taking over the Hub and converting the team filling his unconscious mind. Ianto gulped; desperate to slow his breathing down.

He slowly got his breathing to a normal pace when he let out a harsh, hard sob. His mind, still full of the blurry nightmare, was telling him to _go_.

So, that's what he did. He threw on an old pair of jeans, worn trainers and a ragged t shirt, before picking up his diary, wallet, keys and phone – knowing full well that Jack would call him at some point and not knowing how long he'd be out for.

He ran out the door and down the street, the diary clutched in his hand. The sun was just setting in the sky, making the backdrop of the city landscape a wash of colour; purples and pinks mixing with the blue of the evening. Ianto ran. He didn't look at his surroundings, didn't stop to think of where he was going, he simply ran.

It took him just over fifty minutes to want to stop, when he reached Bute Park; where he and Jack had first met. He was breathing heavily, sweating profusely, aching all over and clutching the diary as tight as he could as he leant against a tree and slid down to sit at the trunk. Once he had regained his breath, and his side no longer felt like it was going to rip apart, Ianto opened his diary. As he flicked through the pages of the worn brown leather book, a photo dropped out, tumbling gracefully to the woody floor. Gingerly he picked it up, looking at the back with sadness. In a tight, curvy, cursive scrawl, the words "Ianto and I, picnic '06" were written across the back. He turned it over in his hand and smiled sadly at the faces smiling so brightly back at him. He remembered the day the picture had been taken like it was yesterday. They'd been together for three months to the day and, in celebration, Ianto had arranged a picnic. He asked edited the work rota for Lisa, ensuring that she had the afternoon off, and took a day out of his holiday time before taking Lisa to a quiet park in between their flats. While there they asked a lovely elderly couple to take a couple of pictures, before Lisa offered them some of the cake that would have proved too much for them to eat alone. She was like that, Ianto thought, really kind and selfless. He should have noticed a change in her really, he did know her best, perhaps he was too scared to admit it?

Ianto sighed heavily and blinked back tears, his heart wedged in his throat. It took so long for him to ask her out, and not because he was shy. No. When it came to women Ianto was hardly shy. Instead it was to do with the fact that he wanted more than just sex with Lisa, he wanted a relationship. So, he tried to win her affections by becoming her friend first. Offering a shoulder to cry on when he could, promise of coffee or pizza when she wanted to talk about nothing and everything. They had known each other a year before Ianto asked her out, and he was surprised when Lisa answered with "fucking finally" and kissed him with all the passion she could muster.

Ianto tucked the photo back into the diary, closing it and placing it under his leg as he leaned back on the tree, looking up through the canopy of foliage to the night sky. Lisa loved dusk. She liked to take walks on her own just as the sun was setting, taking out her camera and taking numerous shots of the sky. Ianto watched as the sky darkened slightly and the stars began to blink and shine.


	4. Chapter 4

Owen sat at his desk, a black ball point pen lodged between his teeth, legs up on the desk and keyboard on his lap as he typed up the results of the autopsy of one Lisa Hallet and Annie...something.

He'd let Gwen fill in that detail as he would rather not get too involved in the whole thing. The cause of death for both was pretty obvious. Lisa removed her own brain, put it in Annie's head, then that body was shot. Several times. Open, close case. Jack wanted the formalities abided by though, so Owen had to perform full autopsies for both, including an extensive tox screen of Lisa. According to the results, Ianto had given her enough morphine to kill at least half of the population of Cardiff, if not more, it was a wonder she was still able to function. However, also in the blood was a frightening level of cybertech things... (Tosh knew what it was, that was enough for him), something which Tosh believes negated the effect of the drug and furthered the failed conversion process. He thought back to his discussion with Tosh about the Judas within their ranks.

--

"I just can't believe it." Tosh had commented while she assisted Owen in the autopsies. "He always seemed so... normal. Well, as normal as a Torchwood employee can be."

"No one is normal, Tosh. There isn't a set definition of what normal is. But yeah, I guess he was far from normal."

"What do you think will happen to him now? Torchwood rules state that those who betray the institute, depending on the severity of their actions, should be retconned or shot."

Owen looked at her and raised an eyebrow as if to ask, 'did you just read that out of the handbook and recite it at me', before he looked back at his work and replied.

"Hiding a cyberwoman is quite severe, wouldn't you say?" Owen snorted as he removed the metal additions to Lisa Hallet's body, placing them in a big, black box at his side. When finished, Owen plans to melt down the metal and destroy all evidence of it.

"Yeah, but, it's not like he was trying to convert everyone, right? He was trying to save her. His actions were completely noble. Jack wouldn't kill him for that. Surely?"

"Tosh. Whatever happens to Ianto is up to Jack. And, seeing as none of us can see into the future or read our gallant leader's mind, I'd say that we have to wait and see. Pfft, Jack is likely to keep him around just to fuck him."

"Owen!"

"What? You have noticed those looks from Jack, the comments... it's obvious."

"Still. I hardly think that that'll be the only reason." Tosh said, scowling slightly at the implications of such an idea.

--

Owen could really believe that Jack would keep Ianto around purely to get laid, at least as one of the main reasons that he would. It wasn't as if they knew a lot about him, so how could they predict what he'd decide? Based on all they saw of him, it was a given idea. Maybe they should know more about him... seeing as what happened with Ianto, it seems prudent not to have secrets. Then again, Owen thought, no one other than Jack knew the circumstances of his employment to Torchwood. He never told anyone of Katie and what happened... was he really ready to tell people? He glanced over at Tosh working at her desk and asked himself if he was really ready to accept her sympathy for what happened.

"Owen." Jack's voice from next to him pulled him from his thoughts.

"Yep, that's me."

"I want you to go and check on Ianto. Make sure he's not showing early signs of PTSD, or would that be late signs... Anyway, yeah. Need you to give him a full physical and all that."

"So, we're keeping him?" Owen asked sceptically, turning to face Jack.

"No. He isn't a pet, Owen."

"Fine then. You're going to let him back into this building to work... even though he nearly killed us and the rest of Cardiff if not the whole country/world."

"Yes."

"Any reason why a traitor like that is going to be let back into the ranks? Protocol says that serious breaches of security like what _he _did should be met with execution for treason. Instead you're what, going to give him a holiday and let him come back to work?"

Tosh turned and watched the men, wondering if it was her place to say something when Jack replied.

"Since when have I followed protocol? I'm the boss, I make the rules. If I say he's going to stay, he's going to stay. I have my reasons that do not need concern you." Jack made to walk away but Owen pulled him back.

"Seeing as he nearly killed me I say those reasons do concern me. They concern all of us."

Just then, Gwen walked into the hub, eyeing the scene carefully. Avoiding eye contact with Owen as much as she could, she asked them both if everything was okay as she placed her jacket and bag on her desk.

"Oh yeah, everything is all peaches and cream. My work's nearly finished, the sun is shining, oh, and Jack here is going to let Ianto back to work." Owen sneered, his tone dripping with resentment.

"Oh."

"As I said, I'm the boss, what I say goes."

"Why, Jack? I mean," Gwen asked, stepping forward to stand next to him. "The consequences of his actions ... if this wasn't a Torchwood thing, he'd be convicted of manslaughter because of what happened to that poor girl and that scientist."

Owen nodded agreeably as if to say 'yeah, exactly!'.

"Yes, thank you for that, PC Cooper, but this _is_ a Torchwood "thing" so no charges will be pressed."

"Do you really expect us to just forgive him, tell him that everything's okay and act like nothing happened?" Owen asked.

"No. I know that nothing is going to be the same again. But, Owen, he made a mistake. He's only human. And think of the loyalty he showed her. Imagine that loyalty directed at Torchwood, that passion and drive. I'm not about to give up on him because he made a little mistake."

"Little?" Owen snorted, standing up. "A 'little' mistake. Did you miss the part with the murders and the infiltration of this base? A little mistake would be putting salt in my coffee, a little mistake would be to file a folder in the wrong place or the bin bag splitting open. Hiding a _cyberwoman _in this base is hardly little!"

"Owen, calm down." Tosh said clearly, still watching.

"He tried to save the woman he loved, Owen. You can understand that. Ianto would have done anything to get her back, even if it meant lying to us and risking all our lives." Jack added, folding his arms across his chest.

"That doesn't make it right, Jack." Gwen whispered. "Just because he loved her -"

"I know it doesn't. I know that. But you can relate. If it was Rhys, what would you do? If it was someone you loved Owen, what would you do." Katie's name filled the silence between the two men. "I'm not saying that what he did is excused by the motives, because we all know it's not, but what he did do is so understandable."

A silence stretched between the team, each of them thinking about what they would have done.

"He deserves a second chance, but that's not meaning we forgive him, we just help him move forward. Us punishing him is not going to do much considering what he'll put himself through." Tosh reasoned finally, pulling her glasses straight and turning to continue working, the tapping of keys filling the space.

"Just check on him Owen, that's an order."


	5. Chapter 5

Ianto had sat watching the stars for well over an hour, occasionally watching as groups of people walked through the clearing and reading odd bits from his diary; the time Lisa met his sister (and Johnny had taken it upon himself to reveal all the embarrassing stories about Ianto and then spilling Strongbow down Lisa's dress) and the time that Ianto had paid £300 for a necklace that Lisa already had with blue pearl instead of white among them. Reading them, though, had almost been like he was reading about someone else's life. While his head was telling him that Lisa had gone, his heart just hadn't caught up; there was no overbearing grief resting on his shoulders, no urge to cry or lash out in tempers. Nothing. Just as he was about to get up to start walking back home, his phone started to vibrate against his thigh. He took a breath as he held it up and saw the name flashing across the screen: Owen.

"What?"

"Where the hell are you, teaboy?"

"I went for a walk, not that it's any of your business."

"When I've been standing outside your door for five minutes, it bloody well is my business. Get here now."

"And why are you there?" Ianto asked as he hauled himself up, picking up his diary and tucking it against his side as he did so.

"Captain America wants you to have a full medical, so here I am. Hurry up would you, I'm freezing my bollocks off here."

The call ended abruptly and Ianto sighed, walking to the edge of the park as he scrolled through his phonebook for a taxi, which he ordered quickly and arrived in a few minutes.

"Ianto Jones?" the man called from the taxi as it pulled up alongside him. Ianto nodded and opened the door, sliding into the back seat.

"Heol-y-Gwent, please."

"Right you are."

The journey should take about ten minutes, Ianto thought as he leant his head against the back seat, looking sideways out the window. More than enough time to really infuriate Owen.

"I don't suppose you were over by the bay a couple of nights ago, were you?" the driver asked after a couple of minutes. Ianto looked at him and was unnerved by how much he looked like an older Rhod Gilbert.

"No, I wasn't. Night in watching Bond films." He lied, smiling a false smile.

"Oh, well, a mate of mine saw a fight down there. Said that two guys were held apart before one ran towards the water. He thinks he might have topped himself. Just wondered if you saw anything 'cause we've not heard about a body or anything."

Ianto nodded and hummed, "well, I'm sure we'll hear something if he had."

"I suppose. You young 'uns are always scrapping about something."

"Yeah. I guess we are."

"What do you think of that new Bond then, son?" the driver asked after a moment and Ianto held himself back from rolling his eyes.

"Not as good a Piers, but then again, Piers was no match on Sean."

"He's a bit of a cock I think. Too much emphasis on his looks... it's probably to bring in some more female fans."

"Yeah, I think you're right there. I've always preferred the old Bonds anyway, bit more class."

"Exactly. Well, here you are, son. Anywhere?"

"Here's fine, thanks."

"That'll be £9.67 then please."

"Keep the change" Ianto smiled, passing a tenner through the middle of the front seats and exiting the car.

He walked slowly to the house, seeing the downstairs curtain twitch as Mrs Sheppard watched Owen uneasily. He smiled at his landlady as he pulled out his keys, she smiled back but her eyes were focused on Owen.

"She's been watching me since I got here." Owen scowled at Ianto, who noticed that he was holding his medical case in his hand.

"We don't get many visitors, that's why."

"Whatever, get inside so we can get this over with."

"Yeah, yeah." Ianto rolled his eyes, unlocking the door and walking up the stairs to his flat. He wished that, for once, he didn't live here. When he first bought the property it was a house for him and Lisa. They had decided to buy a house so that they'd be closer to Ianto's family and were about to talk to Yvonne about a transfer to Three when the ghost shifts started. Mr Sheppard died soon after they paid the deposit on the house and before he got chance to retire to Florida as planned, so Mrs Sheppard decided to convert the upstairs into a studio apartment with the help of her son. By the time of Canary Wharf Ianto had been told that they could still live upstairs but that Mrs Sheppard would be on the first floor – too grief stricken to up all her roots. Ianto didn't think twice about accepting and thought that he'd be out of there within a few months, finding somewhere else with Lisa. Instead, he thought as he unlocked the door at the top of the stairs, he was stuck here.

"What the hell happened to the door?" Owen asked as he pushed past Ianto and into the flat, switching the lights on in the living room.

"Captain America." Ianto said, shutting it carefully.

"Come on then," Owen ordered from the living room. "I do want to go out tonight."

Ianto dropped his keys to the table by the door and walked into the other room as Owen took out his stethoscope, needles, penlight and Dictaphone.

After ten minutes Owen had completed a basic, full medical of Ianto. Other than a few bruises (one from Lisa and a couple on his neck from Jack) and a hint at an eating disorder, Ianto had a good bill of health.

"Right, any nightmares or flashbacks?"

"What?"

"Nightmares or flashbacks? I'm check you over for PTSD, come on, keep up."

"Erm, well, yeah. Mostly nightmares of the battle and a few of -" Ianto stopped and looked away from Owen, suddenly very aware that his actions almost killed the man in front of him.

"Are you avoiding anything? Metal for instance?" Owen asked, ignoring Ianto's hesitance.

"This isn't the usual way of checking for PTSD, Owen."

"I'm the doctor here, teaboy. Answer the question."

"There's no triggers, no. But I'm finding it hard to fall asleep, have done since the battle."

Owen nodded, recording it in his Dictaphone. "Criteria A, B, D, E shown. Prescribing low dosage of sleeping pills and a healthy diet. Also needs regular check ups for the remainder of his mental health."

"Well?"

"You've got acute PTSD. Not all the symptoms are there though. I'll have to keep an eye on you. Joy." Owen snarled, packing away his things. "I'll give you some sleeping pills as well. Oh, and start eating right. You've lost a couple of stone from what I can see."

"I couldn't eat." Ianto admitted, sitting on the sofa. "Couldn't concentrate on anything but hiding her."

"Yeah. Right. Well."

"I'm sorry." Ianto said softly.

"What?" Owen stopped, his eyebrows arching into his hairline. He was not expecting that. At least, not yet.

"I'm sorry." he repeated. "I didn't mean to put you all in danger. I just wanted to save her."

"You saw what those things did in London, why did you think that you could change that?"

"I wasn't apologising for trying to save her. I was apologising for putting you in danger. I'd do it again if I had to."

"And I'd pump her full of bullets. Again."

Ianto scoffed. "I thought you'd might understand what I did."

"What? Endanger everyone? No, I don't get it."

"You did everything you could to save Katie, just like I did everything to save Lisa."


	6. Chapter 6

The colour drained out of Owen's face as he turned to look at Ianto, a frown creasing his forehead and his mouth pulled into a scowl.

"How the _fuck_ do you know about her?"

"When you were hired, Three was still connected to One. Jack had to inform Yvonne that you had been taken on. He had to let her know why. Officially if she didn't approved, Jack had to get rid of you, but Jack was rogue at this point anyway. She called Three the rescue centre when she found out. Never told us why but she always said that Three was where all the lost and lonely people were saved. We never knew why until the report and your details had been sent through a couple of weeks later. Lisa had to type them into the database and I had to file the originals."

"That thing knew?" Owen spat.

"She wasn't a thing! She was my girlfriend! I tried everything I could to save Lisa, I never gave up on her. Just like you never gave up on Katie, just like you fought for her!"

"Don't you ever say her name. Do you hear me? Don't you _ever_ talk about her again." Owen shot back, striding over to where Ianto was sitting and pushing him back.

"You're not the man you were then, though. Are you? Her death, Jack... they've changed you. God, you've forgotten how in love you were, haven't you? I thought you'd understand, but you're too bitter, too lost. I'm sorry." Ianto stood and turned to walk to the kitchen when Owen pulled him back and punched him.

"You have no idea about the man I was. You have no right to presume anything about me! And no, you twat, I don't understand. I don't understand how you could bring that thing into our base when you saw what they did at One. I don't understand how your small, pea sized brain thought that you were able to save her. And I don't understand why you think you can compare Katie to Lisa. Lisa killed two people in cold blood, she wasn't fucking HUMAN. Katie was -" Owen let out a frustrated growl, kicking at the sofa before turning to his bag. "Katie wasn't like Lisa. She was just a victim."

Ianto watched Owen carefully, cradling his aching jaw. "Can't you see that Lisa was just a victim too, Owen?"

"Maybe at first she was, fine. But you kept her alive in that unit and you fed the cyber technology. You turned her into that machine and you didn't even notice. For fuck's sake, Ianto, the machine turned you into her victim! It played you and made you believe that you could save the woman that it took over. And you're too blind to see that."

"NO! The conversion-" Ianto argued.

"'Wasn't complete', yeah, you've said that."

"I could have saved her." Ianto cried after a tense, silent moment, a tear running from his eye. "I need her. God, Owen, what am I meant to now? She was everything!"

Owen didn't turn to look at Ianto. Instead he stared at his hands as he thought. He was exactly the same after Katie, asking Jack the same questions. He remembered the quick change in moods; depressed on minute, angry the next... He could relate to what Ianto was feeling right now. So why couldn't he say that?

"I don't know. I don't know, Ianto. I can't help you." He whispered loud enough for Ianto to hear.

Ianto nodded and sat back down, closing his eyes to stop the tears.

"I can't help you. Not after -. Things have changed and you have to get used to that now." Owen turned and looked at the man on the sofa; he was so small against the cushions of it, so lost and Owen wished that he could help it.

"I'll be back once a week to check on you. Make sure you're still healthy." He said, waiting for a reply. When he received none he picked up his bag and walked to the door, stopping when he heard Ianto call him.

"I am sorry, Owen. For -" he sighed. "For everything."

Without a second glance or comment back, Owen opened the door carefully and left, wishing that he was more of a man to get over the betrayal and help.


	7. Chapter 7

I apologise. I said to upload before I went gallivanting off to university, and, obviously, I didn't. Forgive me? I'll try with all my might to upload as regularly as possible! Feel free to beat me up if I don't!

Anyway, enjoy this chapter!

* * *

Ianto stumbled as he walked down the corridor, barely able to see where he was walking in the dull lights. As he moved further into the depths a smell rose from the distance. A metallic, iron smell. It got worse as Ianto hung onto the wall for guidance, his feet unable to move fast enough to their destination. As he turned the corner a door came into view, a blue and white flashing light erupting from the small window, illuminating the small, dank corridor. The smell was strong now, causing Ianto to bring his hand to cover his nose and move to save from gagging at the repulsive stench. Slowly he watched as he moved his shaking hand forward to the door, twisting the key in the lock.

"Lisa?" he called out, recognising the room for that which he hid his girlfriend in. "Lisa, are you here?"

The light from the machines blinded him temporarily, his eyes not used to such bright exposure. Standing in the middle of the room he saw a figure, the light shining in the metal covering most of it.

"Leese? Is that you?" Ianto hesitated, moving from the door way and into the room. As he got closer he saw that the figure was almost completely converted; the only flesh exposed was the neck and face. He sobbed as his eyes focused on the features. It was Lisa. Her once beautiful, warm, shining, deep brown eyes were now cold and lifeless as they stared ahead.

"Li-" Ianto sobbed, his face contorted into a pained grimace. "Lisa?"

The figure suddenly moved, turning towards Ianto with metallic clanging on the concrete. "Human recognised. Ianto Jones. Torchwood. Accomplice. He shall be rewarded. He shall be upgraded." the cold, calculating voice assessed.

Ianto took a step back, "no, Lisa, this isn't you. Come on, where are you in there?"

"You will be upgraded, rewarded for all that you have done. Humans are weak, cybermen are strong. Together we shall improve this species."

"No." Ianto sobbed, reaching out for Lisa and stroking the beautiful chocolate skin of her face, the skin he loved to touch. "Lisa, this isn't you!"

The cyberman turned once again to the position it was previously in. It was then that Ianto noticed a body fixed to the conversion unit. It was Toshiko.

Ianto gagged as he looked at her. Blood covered most of her body, her entrails hanging limply from her stomach as her eyes looked up, horrified and lifeless. "Tosh? Toshiko? Please?" He begged, moving closer despite all reasoning, wishing her chest would rise with a breath and her eyes would scan to find him. Pieces of metal stuck out of her body and neck, but her face remained untouched, as if frozen at the point of death.

"She was not compatible. She had to be deleted."

"Tell me you didn't do this."

"Torchwood three were not compatible with the technology; cybermen need strength, they were weak and their feeble bodies could not sustain through the process. You are not weak. Conversion will be successful." Lisa's computerised voice sounded from behind him.

It was only then that Ianto noticed a pile of bodies behind the open door. He moved towards them, frightened at what he knew he would find. Tears were flowing freely from his eyes, tears about Toshiko. Tears for Lisa. Tears for his own self hatred and shame.

"Oh god." he whispered in horror as he was able to look at the bodies. Owen, Gwen and Jack lay mangled onto of one another. Thrown away like scrap. Blood pooled around them, spreading over the floor towards Ianto's beautifully polished black shoes. With a sob he sank to the floor, looking at each of the faces; the same look of horror and fear etched into each of their eyes and features.

"Did you love him?"

Ianto turned quickly at the voice. It was Lisa, but before everything; Canary Wharf, Cardiff.... He watched the woman he loved walked towards him, no metal covering her skin but a pair of aged jeans, a loose t shirt and converse shoes.

"Did he give you what I couldn't?"

"Wh-what do you mean?" Ianto stuttered, confused.

"Harkness." She spat. "Did he satisfy you? Did he make you scream, Ianto?"

"It wasn't like that! He was going to get suspicious, I needed to protect you. It was to distract him. I did it for you!!" Ianto defended himself, breathing heavily as he watched Lisa's face contort into anger.

"How often did you bend over for him? Did you think about me? Did you think about him when you wanked? Tell me, Ianto, tell me!" She screamed.

"No! It- I-. Lisa! Please. You have to believe me," Ianto said, rising to face her. "I was protecting you!"

"You're a whore. A slut. They always warned me about you. They always said that you'd cheat on me eventually, I just didn't want to believe it." A tear escaped from Lisa's eye as she whimpered. " But you did Ianto. You did. You've broken my heart."

Ianto sobbed and tried to touch her, "Lisa-"

"NO!" Lisa spun and grabbed his hand, having suddenly transformed back into the cyberman but kept what was left of her humanity, it seemed. "You betrayed me Ianto Jones, and now this is your punishment. These people," she spat. "Paid the price. You killed them Ianto, this is all your fault."

A hand closed around his neck, crushing his windpipe and dragging him up. "No," he choked, clawing and kicking his legs. "Lisa, no, please, ah-" His eyes scanned to the bodies as the dark closed in.

He did this. He killed them...

----

Ianto jolted awake and scrambled from the sofa to the sink in the kitchen, throwing up the little contents that was in his stomach before sliding down the cupboards to the floor, heaving and panting.

Tears streamed down his face as he sobbed uncontrollably. The nightmares were slowly getting progressively bad. From when Owen had prescribed the sleeping tablets almost a week ago, Ianto had eight hours of sleep a night, sleeping straight through despite his nightmares. At the back of his mind he almost thought that Owen had given him the tablets as a punishment, a way to get back at him for almost killing the team. Yet, rationally, Ianto knew that it was his own subconscious attacking. His guilt and shame was being projected into his sleep, thus making him dream about the horrors that may have happened, in increasingly creative ways. His mother always said that he had an over-active imagination, and now he could finally agree.


	8. Chapter 8

Tosh stood at Ianto's door and took a breath. It had been just over a week since the Cyberwoman attack and she had finally come to terms with what had happened. She got herself out of work early by working twice as hard to finish everything, much to Gwen and Owen's amusement and Jack's bemusement, before going to going to Tescos and buying a small shop; thinking that Ianto wouldn't have left the flat.

She tapped lightly on the door and stood patiently, feeling very nervous at seeing her estranged colleague; she had, after all, shot and killed his girlfriend, in a way. It didn't matter that she knew she was right in her actions, to have killed someone that was so loved made her feel guilty.

It took a few minutes but eventually the door opened to reveal a tired Ianto.

"Oh, Tosh.... Hi. I thought you might be the repair man for the door" he muttered, holding the still broken door steady.

"Ah, yes, I have been badgering Jack about that. Says he'll get around to it. I'll sort it out though." she smiled back, holding up the bags in her hands. "Mind if I come in?"

"Oh, yeah, sure." he nodded, moving to one side to allow her passage through.

As Ianto shut the door, Tosh navigated herself through the flat to the kitchen, dumping the bags and her handbag on the side. She turned as she heard Ianto walk in, and sighed softly.

"Oh Ianto, I'm so sorry."

He nodded, looking very small. "That's fine."

"It isn't. You shouldn't have to loose someone like that."

"Well, you can't always get what you want, right? That's what the Stones said."

"How are you really, Ianto? Are you sleeping? Eating?"

"I'm tired, Tosh. So tired. I'm tired of getting up knowing that there's no point. I lived solely for her for so long I've forgotten how to live for me. I can't sleep, not even using the pills Owen gave me. All I can see is her as that _thing. _And you guys, you're always dead or almost dead and I can't help, I can't move and I try to, god Tosh, I really try but I can't save you."

Tears started to escape from Ianto's eyes, that were already red rimmed from crying. He let out a strangled sigh and moved to the living room, falling to the settee heavily. Tosh followed and sat next him, pulling one of his hands into her own.

"I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling, but Ianto you're not alone, okay? I want to be here for you but, obviously, I understand why you wouldn't want me to. I just don't want you to go through this thinking no one cares." she whispered, slowly rubbing his knuckle with her thumb.

"I'm sorry, Tosh, for putting you in danger. I never imagined that she'd be overcome like that, that she;d try and – oh god." he sobbed again, pulling his hand away and burying his face in both, crying harsly.

"Ianto, shush, shush." Tosh soothed, pulling him into an embrace, rocking him gently. "I knew when I signed on that there was danger of death, it's a part of Torchwood. I accepted that a long time ago. You have nothing to apologise for."

Ianto sobbed into Tosh's chest, holding on to her as he let go. "That danger was there because of me; I have everything to apologise for."

"Come on now, I've told you otherwise. Life is too short for blame. I like you Ianto, and I think of you as a friend within the crazy world we live in, that's what matters. We have to cherish what little we have because we don't know when it's going to leave." she pulled back and looked at Ianto, thumbing away his tears. "Now, I happen to think that you can pull through this, with or without me, because you have to."

Ianto looked at Tosh and smiled softly, "I expected you to hate me."

"I couldn't. I can't hate you for loving someone, even if it was a wrong situation. I don't think I can quite forgive you for hiding away, I've told you everything about me, but I understand why you did, and I'm not going to hold it against you."

"Thank you."

"Now, can you rustle me up a coffee? I've missed it so much." she smiled widely.

Ianto laughed, a full bodied laugh that the likes of hadn't passed his lips in so long. "Nice to know, but I haven't got any in."

"Ah, thought as much." she nodded, getting up and walking to the kitchen. "That's why I went shopping. You going to unpack with me, or I might end up putting something in the wrong place."


	9. Chapter 9

Ianto helped Tosh with the shopping, directing her where to put everything while he powered up the coffee machine he had in the corner.

Slowly he went through the motions of making coffee; he opened the bag of beans that Tosh had got, noting how they were his favourite brand and absently wondering if she knew or it was just luck. He opened the cupboard above the coffee machine and reached for the antique burr hand crank grinder he had purchased with his first Torchwood pay check, back when everything was right. Checking it was clean, and clearing his mind of everything, Ianto adjusted the settings before adding the beans to the opening on the top, turning the crank clockwise slowly and savouring the smell of the beans. After the all the coffee fell into the drawer below, he pulled it away and placed it on the side.

Tosh had finished packing away the items she had got and watched Ianto from a distance. She knew not to disturb him making coffee; Owen had made that mistake and was put on decaf for days. Making coffee was Ianto's solace, they had discovered after; the motions were simple, routine and important to him. So, she stood back and watched. She watched as he poured distilled bottle water into the machine (knowing it was used because there was no minerals in it, making the best coffee), and then adding the ground coffee and making sure the carafe was securely fixed before switching the machine on. Tosh watched all this and felt her heart break. He was working methodically and, in all honestly, gracefully but she knew that beneath all that he was hurting, and she didn't know how to fix it.

As the water heated to the right temperature, Ianto reached for two mugs (the perfect size for a decent cup of coffee) and placed them on the side. He added cream and sugar to Tosh's tastes and his own, before turning back to the machine and watching the coffee fall into the carafe slowly. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, letting the smell and noise of the machine fill his senses. He loved this; making coffee was his escapism, something that didn't require thinking about. He let his fingers trail over the machine, remembering the first time he made his own coffee. Admittedly it was a skill that he had learnt and nurtured, that first cup was terrible – all bitter and coarse. Now though, now he had the process down to a T and prided himself on it. It was the one thing he knew he'd always be able to do, the one thing he knew he could be proud of because, after all, his life had not been worthy of any pride.

Once the mugs were filled, Tosh walked up to Ianto and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You don't have to hide away any more, you know that?" she asked tentatively.

"Don't I? I can't hold all this inside – all this torment and regret and guilt – it's too much. But can I really tell people? Risk loosing people, being confronted with my failures? I've always hid. I can't rely on myself, I know that, but I can't rely on others either. Not in this godforsaken world."

Tosh nodded slightly, barely moving her head. Yet it was enough for Ianto know know she understood.

They both picked up their coffee mugs and walked through to the living room, sitting on each end of the sofa in silence.

By the time Tosh had finished her coffee, Ianto was leaning against the arm of the furniture, the mug slipping precariously from his hands. She placed her own mug on the coaster on the table, took Ianto's gently, and pulled his legs up on the sofa. He curled in on himself instantly; his hands clasped against his chest and his knees almost under his chin. She smiled gently as she watched him sleep. He was too young for all this. Too innocent. Then she thought again, maybe he wasn't? After all, what did she actually know about the boy – no, the man in front of her. She leant down and placed a kiss to his forehead without a thought, pulled back and walked to the table by the front door. Scanning around for a pen on it's surface, she opened the note pad left by the phone and scrawled a message.

_I hide too. _

_I stole an official secret from the MoD, made a sonic modulator and nearly killed my own mother because some woman held her hostage. I was trying to save her life. I didn't know what that woman wanted the device for, I just wanted my mother safe. I knew that it was dangerous, and that it would probably be used as a torture device or something worse, but I just wanted my mother back. By the time my mother was bleeding UNIT stormed in. For 7 months, 26 days and eleven hours I was held in a UNIT facility – no contact with anyone. That was until Jack. Torchwood. _

_I was given a second chance – _

_You have one now. _

_I don't hate you, I can't._

_ToshikioSato_


	10. Chapter 10

Tosh walked into the hub and headed straight to Jack's office. She opened the door and waited at the opposite side of the desk until Jack finished his call, ignoring his raised eyebrows and quizzical look in his eyes.

"Yes, sir, of course. I'll send those files over asap. Yep, I know that, sir, but I also have a city to defend so you may have to wait. Thank you. Right then, until next week then." Jack ended the call, placed his phone on the desk and knotted his fingers in front of him.

"Toshiko." he said, a smile on his lips.

"Jack." She replied shortly, holding her bag against her shoulder.

"What can I do for you?" he asked, his smile turning into a frown.

"It's not for me. You can sort out that door that you ploughed your way through."

"Excuse me?" Jack huffed a laugh, his frown deepening.

"Ianto's door. You know, the one you knocked down. Make the call and get it fixed."

"I always thought I was the boss around here? You know, the one in charge."

"Most of the time you are, but you've always asked for initative, so here it is, Captain."

"Tosh-"

"Jack, is it not bad enough that he's lost the love of his life so far, that he's betrayed all of us, that he's trying to cope with all this on his own? Just do one thing to help him, please?" Tosh's anger dissipated, her expression and voice changing to a small, gentle caress to Jack's ears.

"Please, Jack."

"How is he?" Jack asked after a moment, his own expression falling to one of guilt.

"He's hardly coping nor eating. He was asleep when I left." Tosh sighed and reached for the chair in front of her, slumping into it easily. "He so lost."

"I know. Believe me, I know."

There was something about Jack's tone of voice that said that he really did understand, and Tosh filed it away in her mind under the peculiar things Jack says.

"How can we help him, Jack?"

"You are helping him. You're looking out for him, aren't you?"

"Of course. He's only young, he shouldn't have to be going through this."

"See, you're helping him. By supporting him like this you're making sure he'd looked after. I bet you took groceries round? And coffee?" At Tosh's nod he smiled, "You're a good friend, Toshiko Sato."

"It's not enough though, not really."

"It's enough for now. He'll talk when he feels ready."

They sat in silence for a moment, looking away from each other and to the floor.

"I can't judge him." Tosh said in a small voice. "I tried to save someone I loved by making something with the potential to kill so many."

"No, you can't. But none of us can."

Tosh nodded, glancing at Jack. He looked like shit too. And that cut on his lip had opened up again, bleeding slowly. She watched as his teeth sank into the lip and pulled at the skin, opening it up even more.

"I'll sort out the door myself, I promise." Jack whispered after another few minutes, before moving to stand beside Tosh.

With a hand on her shoulder and a grateful expression, Tosh looked up at her Captain.

"You're a good friend, Tosh."


	11. Chapter 11

Ianto woke to the sound of his phone chirping away on the table. He grunted as he pulled himself up, noticing two mugs on the table. He groaned in embarrassment as he realised that he had fell asleep while Tosh was there.

Rubbing a hand over his face, he moved to the phone table by the door and picked it up.

"Hello?" he asked, clearing his throat at the sound of his groggy, sleepy voice.

"Ianto, mate! Finally!" an excited voice replied. "Bumped into Rhi yesterday and she said you had moved back, why didn't you say anything you git?"

Ianto laughed, "sorry Nick, been a bit busy with work."

"Work, smerk. It's no excuse!"

"Suppose not," Ianto agreed, sitting against the table. "How have you been, you twat?"

"I've been better. Got my job, band and alcohol so stuff ain't bad."

"You're still in that god awful band?" Ianto asked, smiling.

"I'll have you know that we are a youtube sensation. Thank you very much, you cynical fucker."

"I bet." Ianto replied simply, sighing slightly.

"God, you sound rough. You alright?"

"I've been better. A lot better."

"Right, give us your address and I'll be round tonight. Got some new stuff today, top notch from ol' Greeky boy."

Ianto smiled, Greeky boy was a guy that Nick and himself went to school with who sold weed and fags to them regularly.

"Still into that shit?"

"Don't say you're not! And not all the time, just when I need it. I'm not smoking it like you were five years ago. What was it, two spliffs a night?"

Ianto snorted down the phone, "oh it was nothing compared to you, you bugger."

"I have no idea what the fuck you're on about. Now give us your address, I'll be round with Indian, booze and weed."

"Heol-y-Gwent, the house in the corner."

"God, you live there. Tough break mate."

"It ain't that bad. You got my mobile number?"

Nick grunted in reply, "nah, Rhi only gave me this number."

Ianto realled off his number and told Nick to call when he was on his way, they hung up with insults and Ianto smiled.

He hadn't spoken to Nick since he ran away to London three years before. They had been the troublesome twosome as teens; always creating chaos wherever they went. Ianto finally had a feeling of resolution fall over him, only a small one, but it was noticeable. Nick had met Lisa once when they bumped into him in Camden market, and she took an instant dislike to him. It was one of the reasons they hadn't spoken in so long, Lisa didn't like it and Ianto didn't want to lose her.

Now she wasn't here any more though, Ianto thought bitterly. Just before he pulled away from the phone table he saw a note scrawled on the pad. Frowning he read it, twice.

He reached for his phone and typed out a message.

"Thank you. I won't let you down. I promise. x"


	12. Author's NoteApology

I'd just like to apologise for not being around and updating this.

I have had many issues this past year that have stopped me writing, but, hopefully, my mojo is back. The wonderful schnuckel (livejournal) is attempting to help me back on the wagon, so you should have an update soon!

Hope you are all well!


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